I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
