I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
