Nicole vs. Life
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
