Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
