I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
