i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
