Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
