You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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