we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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