I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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