You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
