I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
