dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I FOUND THE LEGS
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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