What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
MIDGETS
????
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
