Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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