Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
