She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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