I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
