Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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