Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
