peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
