I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
