U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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