I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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