my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
