Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
