I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
