I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
