So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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