I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
