While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He passed out mid-signature
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
