im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
