just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
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