apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
