Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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