tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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