So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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