you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
