If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
