a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
