So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
