Cold hands, warm shart.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
