How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
