i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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