She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
