Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
