i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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