I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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