He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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