Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
