Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
