Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
