I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
